Mark Peel editorial comments

[Tom Rutt <tom@coastin.com>]

These editorial comments were sent in by Mark Peel.

Tom Rutt

-- 
----------------------------------------------------
Tom Rutt	email: tom@coastin.com; trutt@us.fujitsu.com
Tel: +1 732 801 5744          Fax: +1 732 774 5133

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• From: "Mark Peel" <mpeel@novell.com>
• To: <tom@coastin.com>
• Date: Mon, 07 Jun 2004 16:53:22 -0600

  Some proofreading corrections: the line numbers are from the 06-04
document.  I didn't have time to proof the whole document.  If you don't
feel these are appropriate, I don't mind if you omit them.

Mark Peel
Web Services Infrastructure
Novell, Inc.


134:  Erroneous capitalization
in Table 1, replace "E.g" with "e.g."

150:  Typo
appears to contain a doublespace after the comma

228: Improper usage (e.g. is used to join parenthetical material within
a sentence)
replace "E.g.,  The" with "For example, the"

244: Erroneous capitalization
"For" should be "for"

344: omit needless word
change "and to not support" into "and not support"  -- omits "to",
which adds nothing to meaning.

328: use a form consistent with definition
"Group scope.  All" to "Group scope: all"

328: use a form consistent with definition
"Message scope.  A" to "Message scope: a"

348:  Confusing phrase
", that is a parameter affecting the entire group"  -- I don't know
what this clause means.  Does it intend to explain why GroupExpiryTime
can change dynamically?  It doesn't do a good job of it.  I suggest
striking this clause and putting a period after GroupExpiryTime.

401:  typo
appears to contain a doublespace in "the  resending"

498: Inconsistent capitalization
change "Schema" to "schema" to conform to previous line.

498-499: Wordy sentence construction
"If there are additional elements that are not described in this
specification present in message,"
Better as "If a message contains additional elements not described in
this specification,"

546: Inconsistent capitalization
"@GroupId" should change to "@groupId", making it consistent with the
other attribute descriptions that follow.

606: typo
"incremented of 1" should be "incremented by 1"

629: Erroneous capitalization
"Note: Given" to "Note: given"

629-630: unclear sentence construction
"in case Duplicate Elimination is required, when a received message is
processed,"
Better "when a received message requiring Duplicate Elimination is
processed,"

673: Improper usage (e.g. is used to join parenthetical material within
a sentence)
"E.g., If" to "For example, if"

691: typo
"things," to "things" -- there's no balancing comma to the one
following "things" and we can omit it.

693: series not properly punctuated
"element)" should really be "element)," -- but most written English
seems to omit that comma these days, so I don't insist on adding it
here.

759:  omitted article
"by reference-schema" to "by the reference-schema" -- adds back "the"
into the sentence

764: omitted article
"of ReplyTo" to "of the ReplyTo"

765: omitted article
"with URI" to "with a value of type URI"

783:  consistent usage
"groupId attribute" to "@groupId attribute", a change required twice on
this line.  This is consistent with earlier sections describing
attributes.

801: typo
"ispecifies" to "specifies"

805: change passive voice to active voice, reduce wordy phrase
"which is polling" to "asking"

837:  change passive voice to active voice
"is using" to "uses"

837:  awkward sentence construction (too many parenthetical clauses
joined by commas)
", if" to " and"

861: omitted article
"Response" to "The Response"

866:  typo
"case ," to "case," -- there's an extra space between "case" and the
comma

867:  omitted article
"without sequence" to "without a sequence"

872:  consistent usage
"from and to" to "@from and @to"

877:  consistent usage
"groupID attribute" to "@groupId attribute"

885:  consistent usage
"groupID attribute" to "@groupId attribute"

877:  consistent usage, improper punctuation
"groupId attribute," to "@groupId attribute" -- also remove a
superfluous comma after "attribute".

895:  consistent usage
"groupId attribute" to "@groupId attribute"

917-918:  typo
917 ends with "numb" and 918 begins "er", suggesting a space snuck into
the word "number".

918:  typo
extra spaces between "15" and "for"

958:  excess word
"case of a" to "case a" -- omit "of"

958:  Clumsy construction
"In case of a Response RM-Reply Pattern was required, and when the
message cannot"
Better: "When a Response RM-Reply Pattern was required and the message
cannot"

965:  Clumsy construction
"In case a Callback or Poll RM-Reply Pattern was required, and when the
message"
Better:  "When a Callback or Poll RM-Reply Pattern was required and the
message"

1938: typo
change "conditions" to "contributions"

>>> Tom Rutt <tom@coastin.com> 6/5/2004 5:53:04 PM >>>
After a thorough review of the draft 1.01 today, I found no technical 
problems.

I sent out two emails which had editorial comments for  sections 1.4
and 
later sections 5 and beyond.

I believe we are ready to submit to OASIS for member vote.

To ensure this can happen, I empore everyone to review draft 1.01, and

before submitting
your comments check to see if I have not already cought it. 

It is important to post all editorial comments before Monday evening 
(say 5:00 PM Pacific time).

That way I can incorporate the non controversial proposals into another

editing draft on Tuesday morning,
allowing discussion at the Tuesday PM meeting.

Tom Rutt

-- 
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Tom Rutt	email: tom@coastin.com; trutt@us.fujitsu.com 
Tel: +1 732 801 5744          Fax: +1 732 774 5133




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